Brothel Next Door

It has come to our attention that the neighbors next door are running a brothel in their rented home.

I never would have noticed. I just thought the Asian ladies next door were very quiet. Quite neighbor = good neighbor.

Our other neighbors, who teach self-defense to police officers (no kidding) have been watching "the activity" and may be setting up a sting.

Flipping hilarious if you ask me.

Martha Stewart

When I was little my mom went to a book signing by Martha Stewart. She came home with an autograph in "Entertaining" which was Martha's first published cook book. It was a moment that would repeat itself.

Last week my mom, an avid and well-documented "foodie" told me that Martha Stewart was coming to town. To Seattle? Nay! To Kirkland, 19 blocks from my house.

I stopped by the kitchen store, Sur La Table, where the former model/ stock broker/ jailbird would be signing books later that week. I bought two of her new cookbooks; one for me and one for my mom.

On Saturday morning I woke up, put on make-up (a rarity in itself), my diamond earrings (for the press) and stood in line from 8:30 until 11:30. It was damn cold outside. It snowed a little the day before.

As soon as I got in line, I instantly recognized my high school boyfriend standing 5 people in front of me. Eventually we made eye contact and politely ignored each other for the remaining three hours. He was with his Mormon wife, and as my mom pointed out, she has grey hair at the tender age of 25.

Back to Martha mania. So, there we were in line when the press arrived!

News reporters; news papers, I'm sure the Kirkland Courier was there...

For some reason, the photographer took tons of shots of my mom and I holding our cook books and then the news camera and reporter interviewed us, out of the 800 people. I was literally so cold by then that I could neither think, nor speak. Only unintelligible babble came out of my mouth and I was left kicking myself all day. "Why are you here? Are you a big Martha Stewart fan? Where are you from? What time did you get here?"

Damn reporters.

All that and then nothing, not one strand of my hair was on the news! To answer your question, no, I didn't go to see Martha just to be on TV.

Finally, the store doors were opened and the line started to move.

We went in and we had our questions all planned out.

We turned a corner and finally, there was Martha!

She was wearing orange!! She was wearing orange on the cover of the book too! And the color of the books spine was orange!! What gives? Why orange? What about orange screams "BAKING!" to her; to anyone?? I don't get it.

We handed our books to a member of her entourage and she handed them to Martha. And then my mom asked the muffin matriarch, "will your housing developments be coming to the Seattle area soon?" And Martha said "we have several in development, bla bla bla and they are slowly expanding from east to west."

And then I asked, "why did you choose to wear orange on the cover of your book"

Martha probably thought she heard my question wrong. I repeated it. She said, "I don't know."

A-HA! She didn't know!

Another myth debunked. Martha doesn't know everything.

What Martha meant by "I don't know" was "why are you asking me such a stupid question? You stood in line for three and a half hours so you could ask me about the color of my sweater? Get out of my face you static-haired, poor-postured infidel!"

For the remainder of my day I had a post-Martha buzz. It was bittersweet, since I made an ass out of myself in front of Martha. But, we all poo right? She's just a person too... a person who fights with the likes of Donald Trump.
Let's hear it for blonds!

Valentines Day

I’m wearing pink.

I feel more comfortable in black these days, but it’s Valentines day and valentines day calls for the wearing of pink.

I’m wearing what I call my “legally blond” blazer. Elle Woods would look fabulous in my jacket. I used to wear it with pride all the time when I worked at the frou-frou law firm in Seattle. Now, I feel like a caricature of my former self.

I’m getting a different kind of buzz of my decaf beverage today. Maybe I’m happy my boss out gone, maybe I’m happy that there’s a holiday around getting necked and happy. Maybe it’s because I can in fact see the sky, and it is blu… well grayish blue.

I don’t believe I have any attention span, which is fine since I’m doing so much at work I never have time to pay attention to one thing for more than two minutes. “Alyssa, my keyboard died, Alyssa, I dropped my laptop, Alyssa, do we get pizza today at our meeting?”

Things are growing out of the ground in my yard. My seemingly dead roses are now leafy bushes. The grass is going nuts. And I’m not doing anything about it.

In soccer news; playing is still fun. We have some very nice, fun kids on my team. We played last night. My Canadian friend scored two goals and I made a game-winning assist. The ball went off a red-head and into the goal! The other team had some young sprites on it and they made me feel old. But, we won and I was happy.

Yesterday was Muppet's 2nd birthday.

Happy Valentines day ya’ll.

I'm Boring

I haven't written lately because I switched to decaf coffee.

Also, I can see blue sky, but I don't want to write it or say it b/c I'll jinx it.

The Alyssa Weather Channel

Oh, and for those of you who aren't in Seattle, the answer is yes.

YES it's STILL RAINING.

Go Hawks!