Har-Har

Q. How did the cheese-lover know when he had eaten too much Swiss?

A. Holy Shit!

Soccer Coach- Fall is Here

Like it or not, it's raining and summer is gone. It's still warm out, but it wont last for long.

Last October, when the soccer season ended, I told my team I wouldn't coach this year. I thought I didn't want to coach, but I miss the team and I miss my girls. They're 10 years old.
I might coach 1 day per week. Maybe that would ease my cravings.

I Hate it When

I Hate it when public toilets splash on me when I flush. Sometimes I try to bolt out of the stall to avoid it and other times I stand flat against the door wishing I hadn't worn a skirt.

Strangers Who Touch

Yesterday, as I lay naked under a sheet, I couldn’t help thinking about how physically close my masseuse and I were. Her nose was right above my ear, but we knew nothing about each other. I found it odd that I was paying her to ply my ridiculously aching body with abandon. I had no problem laying buck ass naked while she worked me over, but I have a problem with not having a problem. It only weird’s me out a little, but not enough to stay home. I wouldn’t want to pay someone I know to toss my leg over and work out my glutes. “Hey ma, would you mind?”

My masseuse didn’t know that I ate Lucky Charms for a week to afford her 60-minute massage. She didn’t know that I’m insanely ticklish on my feet, until she got to my feet. She didn’t know that I wear pink underwear and I hate creamed corn. And why should it matter? She’s working. I’m a patron.

Other complete strangers have touched my body. Of course, every doctor I’ve ever had has been given full access. So, they have an M.D. Who’s to say what else they do with their time… and why should I care? “I don’t have mono? Great Doc! But you make-out with your dog and you voted for Bush, so how credible can you be?”

Strangers-who-touch me 1) must appear to have washed that morning and 2) must not smell like B.O. or cigarettes.

Tea at the Georgian Room

Last week I threw together a tea party for the group administrators to celebrate a girl who was recently engaged and a girl who is having a baby very, very soon. The tea party was held in The Georgian Room at the Four Seasons in Seattle. The Georgian Room itself was gorgeous. Five women attended and we were all very excited to be there. To make a disappointing story short, the staff was slow, and rude. We paid $35 per person for 6 tea-cake-sized sandwiches and a mini scone and because we were hungry, we ordered lunch. I held this tea party at lunch time because that was the only time The Georgian Room served tea. I would have preferred to tea at 2:00, that way, people wouldn’t have been starving. Perhaps English Tea shouldn’t be served to Americans. Americans want to eat. American tea should include a burger and Coke after petit fours and English Breakfast.

EDWARDS AIR FORCE BASE, California

The space shuttle Discovery and its seven astronauts returned to Earth safely on Tuesday,

successfully completing NASA's troubled resumption of human space flight

2 1/2 years after the Columbia disaster.

The space shuttle has returned to earth, so we can all have a good day now. Oh, but Britney is having twins, so you can’t have the best day ever… unless you’re at home retired and not having to work.